- Chapter 40 -

VALUABLE LESSONS

ne young man volunteered an account of what Lessons meant to him. There was a position with a large respected company which he very much wanted, but he was turned down. He thought of telephoning those who had interviewed him in St. Louis to ask them to reconsider, but decided to go see them. As he pointed out, "Don't write when you can telephone, and don't telephone when you can see the person." At the company headquarters, he got an interview with the top person, the top banana. (Locate the authority who can help you, Ch. 27.) His appeal was so well presented, and he made it so clear how much he wanted to be with that firm that they reversed their decision. (Employers tend to hire people who demonstrate that they really want the job, Ch. 31.) This young man is now doing very well in his job, and says he has had the opportunity to apply other Lessons in Lifemanship.
It was he who suggested that short statements should be extracted from the previous chapters either as self-contained thoughts or references for further reading. No maxim or rule about life applies at all times and in all places. People and circumstances are too variable. However, some principles and concepts are helpful in many situations.

Life is a continuous process of learning and relearning. Ch. 1

Times may have changed. Human nature has remained the same. Ch. 1

Active listening brings you enormous benefits: better comprehension, improved relationships, an opportunity to help others as they describe their problems and their feelings, and encouragement to others by listening to them. Ch. 2

People want to be heard. Ch. 2

In a discussion, it is frequently not what the facts are but what other people think the facts are. Sometimes it is best not to try to straighten them out but to try to understand their concept of reality and deal from there. Ch. 2

Advice and help are available to all of us and are usually free. People like to give them and you should ask for them. Ch. 4

An appeal is usually more effective then a demand. Ch. 4

Don't look for someone else to blame. Concentrate on solutions. Ch. 5

Do the truly important, not just the apparently urgent. Ch. 6

Make a list of your priorities based on: 1.) Must do, 2.) Should do, and 3.) Want to do. Take the time to make the list complete. Evaluate and reevaluate the order of priority. Then set up a time schedule and follow it. Ch. 6

When a person pays you a compliment, accept it as a verbal gift. Ch. 7

Ask those close to you, periodically: "What are your goals? How can I help you to achieve them? How are you hurting?" Ch. 9

Asking forgiveness of a person you have hurt can relieve guilt, restore a relationship, and be of great benefit to the other person as well as to yourself. Ch. 10

Forgive people who have wronged you, in your heart, not for what it will do for them but for what it will do for you. Ch. 10

Conditional love which is based just on someone else's having to consistently please is a poor basis for a relationship. Ch. 11

People are more important than things. Ch. 12

Fighting over a family inheritance can ruin relationships, frequently cause all to lose in the end, and is not worth the material gain. Ch. 12

Anger, used to control people, is not worth the cost. Ch. 13

Unfortunate character traits do not have to be inherited. Drop them. Ch. 13

Don't let somebody else determine how you feel for the day or how you treat others. Ch. 14

It is not what people do or say to you, it is how you respond. Ch. 14

The simple habit of looking for things to praise people about gives them pleasure, encourages them, helps relationships, and gives you satisfaction as well. Ch. 15

People don't say "Thank you" enough in life. Express gratitude. Ch. 16

In communicating bad news, compose yourself, make some introductory remarks, ask the person to sit down, and gently relay the news. Never blurt it out. Ch. 17

Try to make the daily chores of life interesting and enjoyable for your children. Ch. 18

Walk around the briar patch. Ch. 19

Arguing usually causes the other person to become defensive and more convinced about his or her erroneous opinion. Ch. 19

Choose your battlegrounds. Ch. 19

Consider a Mediator to settle arguments. Ch. 20

When all the facts are in, answers emerge. Do not rush into a decision. Gather facts and consider all aspects before acting. Ch. 21

You can't force answers out of the future. Ch. 21

You don't have to make up your mind right away. Don't let other people's time schedules, although important to them, pressure you into a premature and bad decision. Ch. 21

Successful negotiation can best be carried out by determining the needs of others involved and seeking to meet those needs without losing sight of your own goals. Ch. 22

Do not attribute your motives to other people. Find out what theirs are. Ch. 22

Solve the problem in private or over the luncheon table, rather than in a public confrontation. Ch. 23

Summarize meetings so there is common understanding. Ch. 24

Don't let the objection, "It's against our policy." stop you. Frequently, you can find a person in higher authority who will make an adjustment on your behalf without harming the organization, maybe even benefiting it. Ch. 25

To motivate employees and other people:

Ask for their advice.

Keep them informed.

Look for opportunities to praise them privately and in front of other people.

Handle reprimands with care.

Provide opportunities for them to work out problems.

Admit when you are wrong.

Identify what people do well and build on their strengths.

Give them responsibility with the authority to go with it, within the limits of their capabilities.

Make it your policy, and publicize the fact that there will be no artificial barriers, no societal prejudices to prevent promotion and giving responsibility to those who can respond to it.

Make your employees stakeholders in the policies of the company or organization.

You do not need to pamper them.

Firmness and reprimands are sometimes necessary. Ch. 26

People support a plan or program which they help to develop. Ch. 26

Find someone in an organization who can help you, even if you have to go to the top. Or maybe start at the top. Ch. 27

Choose your vocation carefully, using all the resources available, especially taking into account your temperament. Ch. 28 and 29

Techniques you can follow for a crash effort to get a job. Ch. 31

Employers hire people who very much want to be hired and show it. Ch. 31

Don't write when you can telephone. Don't telephone when you can see someone personally. Ch. 31

Do thorough research for whatever you have in mind. Remember that the best research is that which tells you not to do it. There are more possibilities for wrong or even disastrous decisions than for right ones. Ch. 31

Avoid common mistakes in the job interview. Ch. 32

There are some valuable techniques you can learn in seeking potential employees and evaluating applicants. Ch. 33 and 34

Choose from a wide variety of opportunities for volunteer service. Ch. 35

Don't do things for people with the expectation of appreciation, or you will be frequently disappointed. Do them for the personal satisfaction that will be yours. Ch. 35

If you want to serve on a non-profit board, first determine an area of interest, then set about becoming a board member of the organization that most effectively performs in that area. Ch. 36

Don't undertake too many community commitments. Learn to say "no." Ch. 36

You can make boards and board meetings more effective. Ch. 37

Leadership is where you find it. It does not come just by category. Ch. 37

Spend the time, money, and effort to get the best professional head possible for your organization. It's too important not to do it right. Ch. 38

You get what you invite in life. Ch. 39

If you kick the world, it will kick back, and it can kick harder than you can. Ch. 39

You can't make people do things, but you can create circumstances under which they want to, and indeed get satisfaction out of doing them. Ch. 39

You can't change people, but you can change relationships. Ch. 39

You don't have to make others lose for you to win. You can achieve success and bring others along with you. Ch. 39

You can have successful allies or defeated enemies. Ch. 39

It is possible to help others achieve their goals without losing sight of your own and perhaps you can also help them avoid the self-defeating actions which make a struggle out of life. Ch. 39

Never underestimate the possibility of an unexpected favorable turn of events.

Think about and enjoy what you have. Don't dwell on what you do not have.